Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
