So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
