I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
