My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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