holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
