Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
