She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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