dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
