Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
