I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
