I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
