I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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