I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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