I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
so much tequila, so little girl.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
