Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
