I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
