Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it was like having sex with a tree stump
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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