She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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