my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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