This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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