Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
