just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
