i just wanna soil my oats bro
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
