never play flip cup with pint glasses
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
