You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
