Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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