As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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