New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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