Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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