I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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