Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
