Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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