So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize