She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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