i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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