I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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