God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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