chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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