Tell her she can't have a vagina
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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