she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
They have beer where we have blood.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
