dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
