you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
