OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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