just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
