in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
