SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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