well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Hippo gnu deer
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
