I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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