Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
