why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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