a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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