New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
