weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
